Actual Pilot to tower communications

Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers

Tower: 'Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock , 6 miles!'
Delta 351: 'Give us another hint! We have digital watches!'

Tower: 'TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees.'
TWA 2341: 'Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up
here?'
Tower: 'Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a
727?'

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From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: 'I'm
f...ing
bored!'
Ground Traffic Control: 'Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
immediately!'
Unknown aircraft: 'I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!'

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O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: 'United 329 heavy, your traffic is a
Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound.'
United 329: 'Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the
little
Fokker in sight.'

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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While
attempting
to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, 'What was your last known
position?'
Student: 'When I was number one for takeoff.'

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A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll
out
after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: 'American 751, make a hard right turn at the end
of
the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe
exit
off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.'

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A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard
the
following:
Lufthansa (in German): ' Ground, what is our start clearance time?'
Ground (in English): 'If you want an answer you must speak in English.'
Lufthansa (in English): 'I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
Germany. Why must I speak English?'
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
'Because
you lost the bloody war!'

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Tower: 'Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency
124.7'
Eastern 702: 'Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the
way,after we
lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
runway.'
Tower: ' Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702,
contact
Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern
702?'
BR Continental 635: 'Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and
yes,
we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers.'

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One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short
of
the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out,
turned
around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in
the
DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, 'What a cute little plane. Did you
make
it all by yourself?'
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a
real
zinger: 'I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and
I'll
have enough parts for another one.'

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The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a
short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking
location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it
was
with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following
exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747,
call
sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: ' Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway.'
Ground: 'Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.'
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: 'Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?'
Speedbird 206: 'Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location
now.'!
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): 'Speedbird 206, have you not
been
to Frankfurt before?'
Speedbird 206 (coolly): 'Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I
didn't land.'

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While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight
departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose
with a
United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air
crew,
scre aming: 'US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to
turn
right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there.
I
know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but
get
it right!'
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
hysterically: 'God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever
to
sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!
You
can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I
want
you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you!
You
got that, US Air 2771?'
'Yes, ma'am,' the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly
silent
after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance
engaging
the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in
every
cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an
unknown
pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: 'Wasn't I
married
to you once?-